To help the child consider the four Cs:

Care: help them feel secure--they are being hugged, loved, fed, taken to school, and all that goes with normality and continuity.

Continuity:  clarify how their own lives will continue despite the loss—underline the tie between today and tomorrow. For more mature kids the message: “We will never get over the loss but we, in time, will learn to live with it”, can be useful.

Connection: know your young one’s bond to the deceased: like you they must mourn the death. They too need to honour and remember their dead parent or sibling etc.

Consistent: The work with children is never complete. One size does not fit all forever.  Needs change as children get older but the message must remain consistent; easier if the lost life is celebrated as well as mourned (see below).

Give children a name for their feelings and explain words used elsewhere e.g., grave, mourn.  Studies have shown that children grieving over the loss of a parent, sibling, friend or relative often cannot grasp what it is to die (forever); being gently told that death means no return and our feelings are about the sadness of that, can aid coping. They can then begin their understanding of other older mourners’ grief and eventually their own emotions. They feel like us, empty, a longing to touch the departed, even a loss of safety in the world. Young ones find it hard to process these feelings. It is hard for them not to be afraid of the emotions and the changes that are coming. As support, ensure you clearly, simply and empathically explain meaning to words, feelings and reactions.

Mourn their death but soon celebrate their lives.

In grief we inevitably will mourn death but this occasion is also a celebration of the miracle of a life lived, no matter how short. Even better recall their lives while they are still with you. Photo, film, record, write, email, twitter—doesn’t matter how, but don't let the memories fade as inevitably they will unless you do something about it.

Speak to the dead

Sometimes you are left behind with so many things that you wish you had said when you had the time. If this happens find a quiet place appropriate to you and the lost loved one and tell them—it is quite normal and healthy to speak to the dead in these moments of grief. Children can find benefit in doing this as well; be there with them, if they want; however your own private, sometime regretful thoughts, might be best presented solo.

 

Tell the kids.

Children quickly pick up when something is wrong. They are relatively robust in response when they are told someone is dying, if that matter is handled sensitively. This is better done earlier rather than later. If not, some children can wonder why they are excluded; and in a worst case scenario, they may get mystified or befuddled and begin to think it is their fault.

 

Care; Connect; Continue; Consistence.

 “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

-WINSTON CHURCHILL

References:

Anastasios. A (Andrew); et al. (2007), Dying to know—bring death to life. PilotLife Australia and Hardie Grant Books

Petersen, R. (2013).  After the Tears. A gentle Guide to help children understand death.VHS tape: www. amazon.com

Sandler, I; et al. (2008). Parentally bereaved children's grief: self-system beliefs as mediators of the relations between grief and stressors and caregiver-child relationship quality. Prevention Research Centre. Arizona State University. USA.

Silverman, P.R. (2010). Raising Grieving Children How children can survive the death of a loved one.