Play with me... please!  

Play with me... please!  

Play is training for life; but some young ones find the sharing, caring and daring hard reports Haddo D’Audney. JR.Champs. Psychological Advisor

 “Parenthood is child’s play.”   -Neurological Foundation

In play we nurture the nature.

All mammals play in order to work! Those children who are encouraged to play with others are over represented in later statistics of successful lives. Our personalities however are all different—thankfully! Some of us need more help and nurture than others to cope with our genetic inheritance. That is where coaching gets a little harder. Here are some ideas for those ‘nurturers’ dealing with different ‘natures’.

Kids are model watchers.

Firstly the bad news! Model the behaviours that you want your child to exhibit.  You can’t expect a kid to do better than the adults in their life; remember kids always ‘do what you do, hardly ever what you say’.  Be sure you and other important people in their lives act the way that you want little Alex to act - with gentleness, openness and respect. Check that you handle anger well. Speak the same coping phrases that you want Mere to use.  Then your precious little ones can see and hear you model the exact skills that you want them to use. Be careful, if you don’t model the ‘model you want’ you’ll still get a model.

What do you want me to do?

Playing comes naturally to us all, but it does have some skills and even subtle rules.  Work out what you exactly want the child to do—be crystal clear. One situation is where they have to share the toys with others. Put Chris into a situation where they can practise sharing. Provide a script; “It is alright Terri. You can’t play with the Lego at the moment because Sam is building something. You will get to play later.” This is called delayed gratification and is an important building block for success in later life—controlling the impulse to rush in where angels fear to tread. It also teaches frustration management.

 

Catch me if you can?

Reinforce the times when you find little Ali actually playing with another. Some coaches with particularly challenging ‘no-players’ use a chart with reward stickers; every time the desired play behaviour is noted the sticker goes on the chart. After a certain target is reached there is a treat. Parents in particular do miss much positive behaviour in children—one eminent researcher estimated that over 90% of positive behaviour is ignored! Reinforce the ‘got you’ moment and the deed is more likely to be repeated.

Who’s in charge here?

Caregivers tend to react speedily to bad behaviours and ignore the good ones as mentioned above. All children want to be wanted. They need recognition from significant others. If Terri’s good work is ignored but their bad stuff gets fast action response, then Terri learns how to get reaction. Also significantly there has been a power-switch! Who now controls the play-pen: the care-giver? No way Jose! Power lies with little Terri who subconsciously has discovered the power switch and will not hesitate to use it. This is a problem. Once Terri has build up an image of themselves as an actor and sometimes a perpetrator they keep on keeping on. That’s what the brain is built to do--focus on the reward. Parents even reinforce this with scripts such as: “Kim you are a little monster.” Or “Toni you are mean.” Or “I won’t have you being a bully Ali.” Label at your peril.

Don’t go there!

Avoid situations, when possible, that lead to bad behaviour. If children’s behaviour is worse when little Peta and Di are tired, schedule play dates at times when they are well-rested.  If they can play well for one hour but then become a cross between Mike Tyson and Madonna (“Fit in or get out of ‘my’ sandpit”), make their play dates 45 minutes.  If there are certain toys they don’t share well, put those toys away when others come over.   

 

Walk a mile in your shoes?

Increase empathy. Kids are hot wired for empathy but it is not until about six years of age that it makes sense to them. Until then children have difficulty seeing the point of view of others and understanding how things affect others. Caregivers need to give them the rules.  After a disaster in the news etc., ask, “Mel why do you think that person did that?” or “How do you think that person felt?” This will help Mel get into the habit of thinking and caring about the thoughts and feelings of others.  When Lee shows compassion, caring, thoughtfulness and empathy, pour on the praise and explain why. “We really care for other people don’t we?” Also teach ‘apology’ when others are wronged. Not a swift, muttered under the breath apology; but a heartfelt ‘sorry’, that little Jo has hurt Sam and what can they do, to put it right, now. Right?

Match playmates.

If your child does gravitate toward a certain classmate, set up a play-date. Have them play games you think they'll both enjoy. Act as a coach during games (and sometimes even an umpire during the inevitable toy squabbles!). Children will often play separately (‘parallel play’) and at other times they will cooperate--they're finding their comfort levels with others. Once little Adrian is comfortable with a particular child, arrange playtimes with others of similar personalities. Even if Adrian doesn't have a playmate at the time it is a good idea to play with the little one yourself and show how ‘we play together.” 

The play group.

Ease Kim into group play: when comfortable with one-on-one play, invite two friends over, and then three. Group play can be overwhelming to some children, so take it a step at a time.  As you help Kim become more socially comfortable, you'll notice that they warm up to both one-on-one play-dates and group play. Soon they’ll be enjoying play with other kids just as much as they enjoy their alone time.

‘Kerry you don’t have to like everybody, but you do have to treat everyone the way you want to be treated”.  

A difficult ‘ask’ and ‘task’ for the little ones as they confuse feelings with deeds. Kerry says: “I don’t like Jo. Why should I be nice to her?” Kerry’s feelings at this time are not right or wrong –they just are. However you are helping Kerry with behaviours not feelings. Kerry may be frustrated and with limited emotional control at this stage need reminders and therefore training not to strike out at others. There may even be a need for ‘time-out’ to reinforce the need to deep breathe and remember the rule—treat people well and you will do well with people.

The bad news;

These processes need to start as young as possible. Children as young at 3 months show the sprouting of empathy for others; when others of their age cry so will they. By the time they arrive at toddler age (terrible twos maybe) they also learn that “possession is power”. Then they must be reminded for the next five years or so that the rule is ‘share and show you care’. Children who survive these times with guidance go on to work better and do better work.

Still at the end of your tether?

Consider getting professional help. While no kids are truly angelic, sometimes persistent bad behaviour toward others stems from an inability to read social cues properly; or learning difficulties; or traumatic experiences that have not been dealt with. If you feel that your child has trouble understanding what we have been discussing above even that their actions can hurt other kids, get help. In New Zealand ring 0800 211 211 for advice on resources and services beyond playschools, kindergartens, schools or counsellors.

                                                                        Nurture the nature

                                                                        Model the model

                                                                        Treat well to do well

                                                                        Share and show care

                                                                        Label at your peril

“The girl who can’t dance always blames the band.”     - Adapted from a Yiddish proverb 

 References:

Brown, S.(2010).Play. How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul. Penguin publishers.USA.

http://www.parentfurther.com/blog/playing-well-with-others

0800 211 211; National Health Line—resources and services available in New Zealand.